I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
