I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I have grass duct taped all over my body
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
