i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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