Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
