i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
