I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
