dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
