he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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