I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
