he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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