I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
