Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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