Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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