I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
