There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Randomize
