Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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