Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
