So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
