my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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