What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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