found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
