No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
pop tarts are not kleenex
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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