life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
nutella sex= disaster
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
