one two three fourrrrnication!
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
