When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
