I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
