did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
