i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
