Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
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Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
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Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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