I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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