how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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