The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
i think im in europe. pls send help
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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