grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
It's shark week go big or go home
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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