I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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