Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
