You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Boobs speak an international language.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
