i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
