Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
