we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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