About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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