I think i peed on brittanys purse
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
