Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I just had sex on a roof
you never un-have a 4some
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
