apparently the secret to your success is patron
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
