So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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