Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
