If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
