You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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