dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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