Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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