tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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