Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
