someone threw a dead crab at me
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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