I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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