you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
