; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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