You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
