Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
