I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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