she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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