Don't make out with my wife yet
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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