She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
how do flat chested girls get laid?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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