3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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