i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.