I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.