Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
