Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
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ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!